…I said I’d never let you fall & I always meant it.”
I heard those lyrics the other day while I was running and I started thinking about how many people we make promises with. People make promises to always be there and then one day, they’re just not. (Okay, not so subtle of me. Sorry…)
But. How messed up is that? “I promise to always be there. I promise I’ll never leave.” Well, they aren’t always there and they do leave. Moral of the story: People lie. People are selfish. People suck.
“Just so we’re clear, it’s okay to miss people you no longer want in your life.”
So, what I learned is only to rely on myself. People in my life might come and go, but until I find people that are permanent, seriously permanent, I have to learn to rely on myself, just love, appreciate, nurture my relationship with myself. Not to say I don’t have permanent people now, I have many, but I have realized I have had to terminate a few toxic relationships in the past year and, although that was the best choice for me, it is still hard to deal with the aftermath of losing once valuable relationships. I’m not going to sit here and say “the grass is greener” and I’m so much happier, that would be attention-seeking and a blatant lie, but I do know that I’m headed in a healthy direction and that is something I didn’t think I could say a few months ago.
I’m the kind of person to never give up on anyone and that has caused me so much pain before. I have a very, very hard time letting go of the past. But today I decided that I’m going to do my best to let go. Let go of those people who have let go of me. Let go of people who have broke their promises to me. Let. Go.
“You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships.
You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you.
You are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving.
You don’t owe anyone and explanation for taking care of yourself.”
This post might seem negative, but I don’t mean it to be. I just want to feel more free. Free of the chains that bind me to the negative ties of the past. I don’t want to feel regrets for things I cannot change or things that I know I did not do wrong, even if people may try to convince me that I did. I just want to learn from them. So today, I will let go. I will hold true to my beliefs. I will acknowledge my faults and the places where I am still growing, but I will not feel defeated or broken down. There are far better things ahead and I will let my heart search for them.